This last week or so has been weird - and not weird in a good way. I would hate to launch into a tirade about how its been shit, because it hasn't. I've had some awesome nights out - celebrating my housemate Terry's 21st birthday - and had some lovely chilled afternoons and evenings with friends as well. Not to mention one of the best seminars I've had in my entire time at university. In all of those ways, its been a great week. In other ways...not so much.
Firstly, I gained at weigh-in on Wednesday. Only 0.5lb, and honestly after four nights out and a curry I don't think anyone would grumble about that. And while the rational part of my mind knows that 0.5lb isn't anything really, the not-so-rational part is thinking 'damn it...that's another half a pound further away from goal.' Very annoying.
Secondly, things have been done and said that I've found quite upsetting. I have always considered myself to be fairly thick-skinned - you kind of have to be when you're hugely overweight. Fortunately for me the only time I was ever bullied was when I was in primary school, and a girl two years older than me put sand in my hair and told everyone I had dandruff. Kids stuff. I got the speech from my parents about how bullies are insecure and that I should always stand up for myself. I never really needed to because nobody ever picked on me again - maybe because I let it be known that I wouldn't let them! Either way, its not important. The point is that I haven't been bullied (beyond the abuse that I get day-to-day from my housemates) since I was seven, and anytime I have encountered any sort of unpleasantness I've been able to let it go over my head.
Now, maybe its because I'm massively overtired, hormonal and stressed out that this has not been the case this week - or maybe its because the thickness of my skin has decreased in accordance with the size of my arse. It doesn't particularly matter - suffice it to say that this week things are getting to me. And not just like 'ouch, that was unpleasant' getting to me, but actually getting under my skin, disturbing my sleep, causing me to physically seethe with anger, getting to me. So much so, that I can't bring myself to type about it, because I know that writing it out will just make me even angrier. That is how much things are getting to me.
I comfort myself with the fact that out of the three really shitty things that have gone down, only one of them was done with the intention of hurting or upsetting me. At least I'm hoping that is the case! The other two occurred out of sheer thoughtlessness and perhaps a little bit of idiocy, although as they came from people who are supposed to be on my side, it still pisses me off. Is it really that hard to just stop and think before you do/say something?! I do it. I stop and think all the time. I know I'm not perfect, I know that I've said and done things to hurt people's feelings in the past as well. And I don't believe in holding grudges (actually I do, but you have to be a special kind of arsehole for me to summon the energy to resent you for any extended period of time), but that doesn't mean I can't be angry and hurt and upset for a little while. I will let these things slide. Eventually.
What I won't do, is let them ruin anything I've achieved. So until I am able to be the better person and forgive and forget, I will take comfort in the little things. Like drinking tea out of my 'Keep Calm and Carry On' mug (never has a piece of crockery been so appropriate). Or the fact that I'm having a really good hair day. Or that I ran for ten minutes in the gym today, when previously I could barely manage one. Or that most of my size 14 dresses are getting much too big for me. Or that I actually understand most of the material for my seminars next week. Or that for every careless and upsetting comment I've received this week, I've had at least three amazing conversations with amazing people. Or the fact that my fellow Weight Watcher Natalie reached her goal weight this week, reminding me that it can be done. Or this song:
(apologies for the shit quality video)
Little things. Little, seemingly inconsequential things. Things that, upon reflection, are a hundred times more important than a nasty comment or a careless action. Right?