How....how are we already five days into the New Year? Just, how? WHERE IS MY LIFE GOING!? I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm slightly freaking out at the prospect of turning 23 this year, even if it isn't until September. I know a lot of my readers are older than I am, so please don't misread this as me age-bashing anyone out there, but I feel like at 23 I should have more to show for myself. All I really have is my degree. And thats great, but lets be honest, who doesn't have a degree these days? I look at friends and relatives and other bloggers and colleagues and basically anyone I meet, and while I know I shouldn't I still can't help but to compare myself to them in many ways. Here I am staring down the barrel of that terrifying age group 'the mid-twenties' and I have very little to show for my time on our lovely planet earth. By the time my mother was 23 she had her own house and two babies, and while thats not the route I want for myself, I still can't help feeling that slight pang of disappointment that I haven't really achieved anything yet. No car, no flat, no prince charming, no elusive goal weight, no million in the bank, no Mulberry or Louboutin in my wardrobe (yes, my expectations have always been this unrealistic. I'm working on it.) I do however have an exciting opportunity in the form of my new job, which I start in two days, so I'm hoping that doing something that I really enjoy and feel passionately about will help to give me some sort of purpose in my life...as opposed to feeling like the sad old spinster who is still living in her mother's spare room.
Wow, I didn't intend to start this post with a spiel of negativity and 'woe is me' mentality. Just to clarify, I do appreciate how lucky I am and the wonderful things and people in my life. My worries are not necessarily focused on the materialistic, but more what I would have liked to achieve on a personal level. Although lets be honest, the materialistic is often an indicator of achievement, so I guess the two go hand in hand. It also lends itself quite nicely to what I had intended this post to be about (I really need to start planning posts properly, instead of just going off on a complete tangent the second I sit down in front of the computer).
At the beginning of the year, the 'blogosphere' (God, I hate that term) is overflowing with resolutions and goals posts. I had intended to do one myself, but not only did I not have time to sit down and write it, I also didn't have time to think about what I actually wanted my New Years Resolutions to actually be. The age old mantra of 'lose weight' is getting old for me now, so while it is obviously still my intention to eat healthily, follow the Weight Watchers plan, exercise regularly and 'all this noise' as my friend Nicole terms it, I'm choosing not to label that as a resolution in itself. The way I see it, the last digit of the year should not have to change in order for me to be focused on eating right and exercising. That should be my focus every day.
The generics 'be more organised' and 'save money' aren't really doing it this year for me either. Since starting work my organisational skills have improved tenfold, and while they still leave something to be desired (the concept of getting clothes ready the night before is still alien to me) I tend to be fairly well organised most of the time. And as for saving money....pah. Given the fact that aforementioned dream job comes with a pay cut (and I wasn't earning much before) being able to save anything is a somewhat unrealistic goal. I'm choosing to go with 'spend more wisely' instead of attempting to save a specific amount. So no more frivolity in Boots or Topshop and a serious cut-back on pre-work Hazelnut Lattes and post-work Cabernet Sauvignons. Woe.
So, what are my resolutions and goals for 2013, I hear you cry? To be honest its something I probably shouldn't have to resolve to do at all. It is, quite simply, to be more honest. Don't get me wrong, its not like I am a pathological liar or anything like that, but its something I need to work on. Mostly in regard to being honest with myself, but also being honest with those around me. After reading a lot of blog posts recently, for example Josie's brave post about 'it being ok to not be ok', and Kelly's post about cutting the BS and really being honest with yourself and what you want, I felt like it was time for me to do this as well. I tend to kid myself into believing that I am being honest about everything thats going on with me, but in reality I'm not. If I'm having a bad day or week I tend to steer clear of the blog for instance, because I don't want to drag my negativity on here and ruin anyone else's day. Its only reading posts that aren't all sweetness and light and look-how-perfect-my-life-is that has made me realise that I'm looking at things the wrong way. Because nobody is perfect. Nobody is in a good mood every single day. Nobody is 100% spot-on with diet and exercise every single day. I would never, ever read about someone else's bad day/week/month/year on another blog and think anything other than 'Good for them. They're facing up to their problems and moving past it.' So I don't know why I've had such a block about it on my own blog. I guess part of me is a little ashamed and embarrassed, because after almost three years on Weight Watchers I'm still not there yet. But so what? These three years would have passed anyway, so what does it matter whether I passed them at goal or on my way there? Either of those is still a hell of a lot better than the alternative. I also avoid posting when I'm in a bad mood, when I've had a bad day or I'm just generally feeling a bit glum - but why!? Are any of the people reading this superhuman beings who don't have bad days? Are of you truly, honestly, on 100% top form every moment of every day? Can any of you hand on heart say that you never struggle, never stress, never panic, never feel even a slight bit sorry for yourself for no other reason than just 'because'? No. Of course not. Despite the fact that we all sit behind our computers and communicate (for the most part) solely via the joys of twitter and blogger, we are all human beings. Encouraging and inspiring people on this blog is part of who I am. Overeating and being allergic to exercise is part of who I am. Recovering from depression is part of who I am. Marilyn Monroe once said that 'if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best' and I couldn't agree more. So from now on I will endeavour to be completely honest on this blog. If I'm having a bad day, either food and exercise wise, or even just mood-wise, I'll be honest about it. Scout's Honour.
I will also make an effort to be more honest with both myself and the people around me 'in the real world'. I do this thing where I don't really talk about 'feelings' and 'emotions' and all that drama, which really doesn't do me any good. If you're not honest about how you feel at the time, then its difficult to do so later on because to all intents and purposes the people around you don't see it as a big deal. I'm not sure if I'm making much sense here, but to clarify - for example if I'm interviewing for a job, and I underplay to friends and family (and myself) how much I want that job, it then becomes more difficult to show how upset I am in the event that I don't get it. Does that make sense? Probably not. But I know what I'm talking about. And that is whats important. Admitting to the people in my life that I feel a certain way is not going to send them running for the hills - unless I admit that I'm feeling homicidal, and thats a whole other blog post. I need to work on the whole 'having and showing emotions' thing, as opposed to maintaining my impenetrable Ice Queen facade. Don't get me wrong, being an Ice Queen can be kinda fun, but maybe its time to thaw out. Just a little bit though. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable being one of those people who cries all the time. Or ever.
So there you go - thats my resolution. What are your goals, aims and resolutions for the year ahead?
With all my love,